100+ Funny Insults For Your Friends & Enemies

Ever found yourself stuck trying to come up with the perfect witty insult to tease a friend or shut someone down? Whether you’re into British, Spanish, Italian, or even German, funny insults are a great way to tease friends and family without crossing the line.

A well-timed insult can be the perfect way to lighten the mood or give someone a friendly roast. But remember, the key is to keep it light and fun. From funny roasts and comebacks to clever one-liners, here are our favorite creative insults for everyone—tall people, folks with glasses, funny fat insults and even for kids.

Funny Insults For Friends

“You’re the reason they put ‘Do Not Eat’ on silica gel packets.”
Your pH level must be 7—because you’re neutral in every argument!”
“I underestimated you… and I was still disappointed.”
“Congratulations! You just set a new record for saying the dumbest thing today.”
“I’d say ‘sorry,’ but even medicine can’t fix your level of dumb.”
“You need more vitamins—your brain is looking malnourished.”
“You’re so ugly, even your reflection tries to escape the mirror.”
“I’d tell you to shut up, but I don’t want to waste my breath on background noise.”
“Your skills are so bad, even an emergency exit wouldn’t help you out of this situation.”
“You’re not bad at everything… just the brilliant things.”
“If bad luck had a mascot, it would be you.”
“Your shopping list must be short—because ‘common sense’ isn’t on the items you own.”
“Your brain must be on airplane mode—no signal detected.”
“You’re proof that even the worst ideas deserve a chance.”
“You have more excuses than a kid with unfinished homework.”
“If thinking were a sport, you’d still be benched.”
“You’re the reason we can’t have nice things at the office.”
“Your opinion is like a broken clock—right twice a day but useless the rest of the time.”
“Is your hair a bird’s nest or did you lose a fight with a blender?”
“You’re the reason aliens won’t visit Earth.
“Your jokes are so bad they make dad jokes look clever.”
“I hope you’re good at hide-and-seek because your logic’s hiding.”
“You’re the type who brings a knife to a nerf gun fight.”
“I’d roast you more, but you’re already burnt toast.”
“You’re like a Rubik’s Cube—complicated and no one wants to solve you.

Funny Insults For Adults- Funny Jokes

You have the organizational skills of a sock drawer after a tornado.
Is procrastination your superpower? Because you’re unbeatable at it.
That plan is so full of holes, even Swiss cheese is jealous.
You’re about as smooth as a gravel driveway.
Is sarcasm your first language? Because it’s definitely not common sense.
Your sense of direction is so bad, even GPS would give up on you.
The last time you had a bright idea, the lightbulb blew out.
You could win an Olympic medal for overthinking.
That story was so long, I think I just aged a decade.
Your ability to ignore problems is truly inspirational.

Funny Insults For Kids (Lighthearted)

You must be a walking alarm clock because you never stop buzzing around.
Did you eat a rocket for breakfast? Because you’re bouncing off the walls.
That smile looks like you just stole the last cookie.
Your room is so messy even the toys are hiding in shame.
Are you training to be a tornado with all that spinning and chaos?
Is your favorite sport “jumping to conclusions”? Because you’re amazing at it.
Even the dog thinks you’re too loud sometimes.
Did you leave your manners in the cereal box this morning?
Your energy level could probably power a small city.
You’re proof that even the quietest kid can turn into a chatterbox when it’s bedtime.

Funny British Insults

“You’re about as useful as a chocolate teapot.”
You look like you’ve been hit with the ugly stick.
“Don’t strain yourself, mate—thinking clearly isn’t your strong suit.”
“You have the charm of a damp sock left in the corner of the pub.”
“You’re as sharp as a spoon, aren’t you?”
“Your wit’s quicker than a snail on a lazy day.”
“Don’t worry, love, your outfit screams Tesco Value.”
“You’ve got the charisma of a traffic cone.”
“Stop talking, you’re making the Queen embarrassed.”
“Your life’s about as exciting as watching paint dry in Milton Keynes.”
“You couldn’t organize a cuppa in a tea shop.”
“You absolute muppet! Did you really just try to charge your phone in the microwave?”
“Stop being such a plonker—who wears socks with sandals to the gym?”
“You’re such a wally, mate. Who else would bring a fork to a soup-eating contest?”
“You berk! You’ve got less common sense than a goldfish in a spaceship.”
“Oh, you doughnut! You’ve been holding the map upside down this whole time!”
“You’re a proper pillock—who tries to open a door by pushing the ‘pull’ side?”
“Come on, dipstick! Even a turnip could figure this out faster than you.”
“You’re such a nutter—dancing like that at the office party? Legendary!”
“Don’t be such a wobbler, it’s just a game of Monopoly. No need to flip the board!”
“You great pudding! You’ve got the memory of a goldfish and the focus of a squirrel.”

Funny Spanish Insults

“Eres tan lento que las tortugas te adelantan para hacerte compañía.” (You’re so slow turtles overtake you for company.)
“Eres como un grano de arroz en paella: perdido y sin sazón.” (You’re like a grain of rice in paella—lost and flavorless.)
Tienes menos luces que un árbol de Navidad en agosto.” (You have fewer lights than a Christmas tree in August.)
“Tienes menos chispa que una cerilla mojada.” (You have less spark than a wet match.)
“Hablas tanto que hasta el reloj se aburre contigo.” (You talk so much even the clock gets bored.)
“Eres tan profundo como un charco en verano.” (You’re as deep as a puddle in summer.)
“Tu lógica tiene más agujeros que un queso manchego.” (Your logic has more holes than Manchego cheese.)
“Eres como una siesta sin sombra: insoportable.” (You’re like a nap without shade—unbearable.)
“Tienes la gracia de un toro en una cristalería.” (You have the grace of a bull in a china shop.)
“Eres como un lunes sin café: insoportable.” (You’re like a Monday without coffee—unbearable.)
“Hasta el GPS se pierde contigo.” (Even the GPS gets lost with you.)
Si fueras una pizza, serías sin queso (If you were a pizza, you’d be without cheese.)
Tu cara parece un mapa de arrugas (Your face looks like a map of wrinkles.)
Tu cerebro está más vacío que una nevera en verano. (Your brain is emptier than a fridge in summer.)
Tienes más cara que espalda (You’ve got more face than back)
Eres más falso que un billete de tres euros. (You’re faker than a three-euro bill.)
“Tienes menos sal que un paquete de galletas sin abrir.” (You have less salt than an unopened pack of crackers.)

Short Funny Insults For Best Friends To Shut Up

“Your silence is golden—let’s keep it that way.”
“You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.”
“If I wanted to hear nonsense, I’d tune into reality TV.”
“You’ve got something on your chin… oh wait, it’s your mouth.”
“OMG! Keep talking, it’s adorable how wrong you can be.”
“I’d roast you, but I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
“You’re like a vending machine—always out of order.”
Is your name Google? Because you’re acting like you know everything.”
“You must be the life of every awkward silence.”
“Your voice is like a broken record, but less entertaining.”
“Please stop, my brain cells are filing for unemployment.”
“I didn’t know they let parrots into this conversation.”
“Bro, you look like you just starved for WiFi in a forest!”
“Your brain takes longer to process than a slow cooker.”
“Your jokes are so old, even Jurassic Park wouldn’t bring them back.”
“You’re so weak, oxygen lifts more than you do.”
“Talking to you is like waiting for a bowel movement—painful but necessary.”
“Your relationship status? Married… to bad decisions.”
“You’d get lost in a cave… with GPS and a flashlight.”
“If dumb was a weather condition, you’d be a nonstop rainstorm.”

Funny Insults For Family

Mom says you’re unique, but we all know that’s her polite way of saying “weird.”
Dad’s snoring could probably be sold as a sound effect for a horror movie.
Grandma’s cooking might be the only thing tougher than her crossword puzzles.
Your idea of cleaning your room is just shoving everything under the bed, isn’t it?
Even the dog looks at you like, “Really, that’s your excuse?”
Remember that time you tried to fix something and broke three other things? Classic.
When you say “I’ll do it later,” we all know that means “never.”
Your version of multitasking is chewing gum and blinking at the same time.
The family picture would look better if you weren’t mid-sneeze in every one.
You claim you’re the smart one, but even the microwave outsmarts you sometimes.

Funny Southern Insults

“Bless your heart… it must be exhausting being that clueless.”
“You’re about as sharp as a mashed potato.”
“Darlin’, you couldn’t find water if you fell out of a boat.”
“You’ve got more nerve than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.”
“If brains were leather, you wouldn’t have enough to saddle a cricket.”
“You’re about as bright as a burnt-out porch light.”
“Sugar, you’re as fake as a $3 bill.”
“You couldn’t pour tea out of a boot with instructions on the heel.”
“You’re slower than molasses in January.”
“Honey, you’ve got all the sense of a screen door on a submarine.”

Funny Insults For Tall People

How’s the weather up there? Cold and lonely?”
“You’re so tall, your neck must have its own zip code.”
“When you fall, do you get a parachute or an ambulance?”
“Is it hard fitting into normal-sized selfies?”
“You’re proof that skyscrapers have feelings too.”
“You must have to duck under rainbows.”
“Your shadow deserves its own spotlight.”
“Do your friends need binoculars to talk to you?”
“When you trip, does it qualify as an earthquake?”
“Are you an antenna? Because you’re picking up signals no one else can.”
Your height must have its own zip code.”
Even skyscrapers feel small around you.”
With that height, you must have trouble seeing small things, like intelligence.
That’s not a shadow; that’s a whole other person.”
“Your selfies must need a ladder for full coverage.”
“Is your favorite sport limbo? Because you’d lose immediately.”
“Do clouds charge you rent for headspace?”
“When you trip, is it considered a long-distance fall?”
You’re so tall that when you take a shower, you’re already in the next season.
“You’re not tall, you’re just on permanent stilts.”

Funny Insults To Call Someone

“Human Tornado of Chaos.”
“Walking Participation Trophy.”
“Professional Couch Potato.”
“Master of Awkward Silence.”
“Captain of Team Useless.”
“CEO of Bad Decisions.”
“Ambassador of Overthinking.”
“Lord of the Fries (but never the burger).”
“Director of Unnecessary Drama.”
“President of the Clueless Club.”

Funny Italian Insults:

Sei più inutile di un asciugamano bagnato.
You’re more useless than a wet towel.
Hai la testa più vuota di una scatola di scarpe.
Your head is emptier than a shoebox.
Ci vuole meno per far ridere una palla di neve.
It takes less to make a snowball laugh (meaning you’re hard to impress).

Funny Fat Insults

Your pants can’t contain you.
You’re so big that when you take a shower, you flood the house.
You look like a sack of potatoes with legs.
“That chair looks like it’s in a committed relationship with you.”
“Your shadow arrives five minutes before you do.”
“Even the treadmill sighs when it sees you coming.”
“Snacks must think they’re your soulmate.”
“Gravity must be working overtime in your vicinity.”
“The buffet runs out of food just hearing your name.”
“You don’t just have a sweet tooth; you’ve got the whole bakery.”
“The scale’s going to need therapy after this.”
“Your footsteps echo like a drum roll for dinner time.”
“Even your mirror’s trying to back away.”

Funny Arabic Insults:

وجهك يشبه الجمل المريض.
Your face looks like a sick camel.
أنت كالسمك الميت، لا فائدة منك.
You’re like a dead fish, no use at all.
عقلك أصغر من نملة ضاحكة
Your brain is smaller than a laughing ant.

Funny Chinese Insults:

你的智商和鞋底一样低。
Your IQ is as low as the soles of your shoes.
你就是个行走的灾难。
You’re a walking disaster.
你比猪还笨。
You’re dumber than a pig.

Funny Portuguese Insults:

Tu és como uma vela apagada: inútil.
You’re like an extinguished candle: useless.
Tens o cérebro do tamanho de uma noz.
You have the brain of a walnut.
Seus olhos são maiores que sua boca, e isso já diz tudo.
Your eyes are bigger than your mouth, and that says everything.
Se eu te der uma moeda, você vira um espelho.
If I give you a coin, you’ll turn into a mirror (meaning you’re obsessed with yourself).
Você é como o Wi-Fi do vizinho, só funciona quando não preciso.
You’re like the neighbor’s Wi-Fi, only works when I don’t need it.

Best One-Liner Insults To Roast Friends

If intelligence were money, you’d die of hunger.You’re like a book with no pages.
You’re like a book with no pages.“I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”
“I’d explain it to you, but I left my crayons at home.”“Your handshake feels like a wet napkin.”
“Your handshake feels like a wet napkin.”
“Even silence feels louder than your presence.”
“I’ve met rocks with more personality.”
“Your potential is like a ghost—everyone talks about it, but no one sees it.”
You’re proof that common sense isn’t so common.”
“You must have a PhD in nonsense.”

Conclusion:

Funny insults for friends and witty comebacks are a fun way to tease, bond, and keep conversations lively, as long as they stay lighthearted and don’t hurt feelings.